Why doesn't an alcoholic care about others feelings?

by Lisa
(Texas)

Why does my boyfriend stay out till after 2:00 am at bars 2 to 3 times a week? Why doesn't he care about my feelings? I worry each time this happens.

Reply

I’m sorry that it seems your boyfriend doesn’t care about your feelings. Being in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic can be very painful.

Addiction is a very powerful force. The drug of choice, whether it be alcohol, food, or heroin, is usually the first priority in the addict’s life. It isn’t that he doesn’t care at all about your feelings but rather that you may not be first on his list of priorities.

He likely has deep emotional reasons for turning to alcohol. These reasons vary from person to person. For instance, it is common for people to turn to alcohol to escape dealing with the pressures of life or past trauma. It’s also common for people to turn to alcohol as a way to self-medicate their anxiety problems. There are a whole host of possible reasons why your boyfriend is abusing alcohol. Regardless, the benefit he is getting from it is far outweighing the benefits he receives from other things in his life. He may be willing to forfeit those other things in order to continue drinking.

My advice for you is to have an open, honest conversation with him. Share your concerns in a loving and supportive way. Do not judge, condemn, or accuse. If you want to encourage him to get help, approach him in a way that says “I believe in you”. In the end, he has to make the decision to seek help. He will do so when the pain becomes greater than the pleasure.

In the mean time, he may not be ready for a serious relationship and the emotional commitment it involves. You need to assess the health of your relationship and determine if he is the right person for you are this point in time. Unfortunately, many alcoholics are not in a position to give to a partner in the way the partner needs or desires. If he is not meeting your emotional needs, it may be time to move on. I realize this is difficult to do. You will not be able to “fix” him though. That is a decision that only he can make. Your support and encouragement can aid him but that is all you can offer at this time.

For more alcoholism facts or to learn about the difficulties of alcoholism and marriage, follow the links.

You can also get additional support by attending Al-Anon meetings.